


Passive-Aggressive

by Polly_Phemus (orphan_account)



Series: Dom down the Hall Prompts, Timestamps &tc [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, Angst, Declarations Of Love, M/M, Relationship Negotiation, Schmoop, Topping from the Bottom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 21:28:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11365983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Polly_Phemus
Summary: Jared realizes he can't fulfill all of Jensen's needs. And that they'll have to talk about it.  And then there are Declarations!Set on the Thursday after the end of "Dom down the Hall." Tagged Topping from the Bottom for what is discussed, not what is enacted.ETA [7/2/2017: I've been kind of bad at noting prompt request responses: this story is (only partly) in response a prompt by Vandhildrs, who wrote in part: "With all their anxiety (both of them) I'd love to see how they deal with adverse reactions to things."  Doesn't entirely fill the prompt, but it has some the elements they requested.





	Passive-Aggressive

**Author's Note:**

> Couple of call-backs: "dynamic affectation" was a phrase/concept I introduced in an earlier story; in this BDSM AU, it refers a person who pretends to be a dom when they're really a sub (or vice-versa; think of gays and lesbians deliberately "passing" as straight for an our-world analogue). I'm not sure if I actually coined the phrase; I don't specifically remember seeing it anywhere else. If anyone reading this has seen it before, could you do me a solid and let me know?
> 
> I've also established that while there are switches (including Misha) in this AU, they're not generally recognized or talked about. Here, Jensen briefly mentions switches as a general concept but they don't really get into the idea that much in this particular conversation (for the record, and this hopefully will be discussed more fully in a future story, Jensen doesn't actually have any problems or issues with switches, just with being called one himself when that really, really is not his dynamic
> 
> The idea that "dom" and "top" are separate words with specific, non-synonymous meanings, however, is _not_ specific to this BDSM AU. That's straight from our-world BDSM vocabulary and practice and can sometimes cause confusion.

It wasn't like Jared hadn't thought about it. He thought about it a lot, and not just because he thought about Jensen a lot. What Jensen wanted from him, what they both wanted from their relationship, and...well, just thought a lot about Jensen.

Jared thought about it a lot and realized that there was one thing he just couldn't do with Jensen. For Jensen. And it was upsetting, because, during sex, he wanted to be Jensen's good submissive, the best submissive ever. But he just didn't see how he could do at least one of the things Jensen wanted him to.

It bummed him out. People at work noticed that he wasn't his usual cheerful self, which they attributed to his corporate corporal. While Jared liked the extra metaphorical cookies they gave him in the form of compliments and consideration, he felt a bit guilty because his dampened spirits had nothing to do with his professional life. Or even his not-yet-revealed new bond with Jensen, at least not his general feelings about it. And he kinda would've preferred it if the residents and staff had all been more out-of-sight-out-of-mind about the whole work screw-up thing.

But, kindness from the Atlanta Pines community aside, the more he thought this really specific aspect of his relationship with Jensen, the more worried he became. Jensen, who'd been slightly less swamped than usual, noticed it pretty quickly even though Jared had been trying to hide it. Not that he wanted to hide anything from Jensen, but he wanted to try to work things out in his own mind before trying to discuss them with Jensen.

Jensen, though, noticed Jared's distress and asked him about it. They were in bed on a Thursday night, Jared's bed because he'd made them Beef Wellington, which could really be better accomplished in Jared's kitchen than in Jensen's, and then they'd been feeling logy from the meal and Jared's bed was ten yards and change closer to the remains of dinner than Jensen's.

They'd just sort of collapsed in bed, Jensen big-spooning Jared, making him feel, as always, enveloped and protected by his dom.

"Out with it," Jensen said. Imperative words, but not sexually or even dom-patronizingly so. Jensen wasn't always really good with discussions about emotions and sometimes fell back on shorthand. "Did something happen at work? Another lazy staff member? Or did Diane Wilson call you a flighty sub?"

"Hardly," Jared snorted. In the two days he'd been back at work, the kitchen staff had been treating him with utmost respect and Ms. Wilson had been as close to sweet to Jared as she ever managed with anyone; he'd apparently passed a test with her.

"Is it...me? Something I've done?" Jared could hear the underlying anxiety in his dom's voice and as much as his instincts were screaming at him to reassure and placate, Jensen had told him never to hold out.

"It's something I can't do. To you." Jared said heavily. He didn't really want to have this talk now. Or at all.

Jensen stroked his arm gently. "What's wrong?"

"You told me about that sub you dated. The one with the fingers and the dildo," Jared said.

"Yeah?" Jensen asked cautiously.

"I don't think I can do that," Jared blurted. "I mean, just the thought being penetrated like that makes me feel so submissive and you said that it makes you feel dominant and powerful, but just thinking about trying to do it to you feels...wrong."

Jensen stopped stroking Jared, just leaving his hand resting lightly on Jared's arm.

"Wrong? Wrong how?"

"You're the dom! My dom!" Jared said, the frustration he'd been keeping to himself exploding out. "I feel like you're supposed to be inside me! I feel like I shouldn't be doing...that...to you!"

At that, Jensen pulled away. "I'm sorry that some of my desires are unacceptable to you," he said stiffly.

Jared had anticipated that this conversation wouldn't go well, so he tried not to get too defensive in response to Jensen's physical and emotional withdrawal. "Not unacceptable," he protested. "Just something I can't see myself doing. And I've tried. And I'm sorry I can't do that to you...or, more accurately, _for_ you," he said softly. 

Jared felt Jensen move a little in the bed. Although he couldn't see, he knew that Jared had just shrugged.

"We're not going to be completely compatible all the time," Jensen said. "And, really, that's okay. I'm not mad at you. It's just that right now.... Well, I'm having kind of a bad memory."

Jared hated this conversation, hated that he hadn't known how to talk to Jensen about it more tactfully.

"Tell me, Jensen. Please? I want to try to help."

Jensen rolled over to take Jared back in his arms.

"Another sub I was with...I told him what I told you. About Christine." Jensen had never mentioned names, but Jared guessed that Christine must've been the sub who'd sweet-talked Jensen in to being penetrated and then been intimidated by the beast she'd unleashed.

"I wanted him inside me," Jensen said. "Because I like those sensations and how powerful they make me feel and I thought maybe, under those circumstances, he'd be okay with the things I might say about...ownership and possession and...well, the things I say."

The things, Jared thought, that Jensen himself had trouble being okay with saying.

"But...?"

"But he told me that what I wanted wasn't right for a dom. That I was pulling dynamic affectation. That I was, at best, a switch and probably really a sub."

"God," Jared breathed, wincing at his own similar turn of phrase. "And I just said the same thing."

"No! You said that you _feel_ like you shouldn't do that, that you can't do that because of your own feelings, not that you think I'm wrong for wanting it. That guy? Just flat out told me I wasn't really a dom and it kind of messed me up a little."

"You didn't believe him, did you? 'Cause, whatever I stupid-ass tactless thing I might've just said, I know that you're really are not anything but a dom."

"A part of me did, even though I know that a lot of doms like topping from the bottom. Hell, Christine was alarmed by how much more dominant it made me. And we have separate terms for 'dom' and 'top' for a reason. And I've always been pretty secure in my dynamic."

Jared thought about what Jensen had promised him when they'd sealed the deal. _The most basic thing about having sex with me: I'm never not dominant. I don't care if your dick is in my mouth or your cock is up my ass. I am always going to be in charge and you will always be submissive to me._ The words had made Jared shiver then and the memory of them made him shiver now.

"You're definitely a dom, even if you sometimes like to be topped." Jared said. "Never got any other feeling from you than that. It's just that...well, I think I'm too much of a sub even to be able to service-top you. Or maybe not enough of a sub."

Jensen was stroking Jared's arm again. "Doesn't make you either too much of a sub, or any less of one, just one with limits, like everyone has," Jensen said. "If you can't do it, you can't do it."

Jared turned over to face Jensen. "I really don't think I can," he said. "Which is weird for me, because I mostly want to do whatever you tell me to."

"Limits," Jensen reminded him.

"And I really didn't intend to make you think of someone who hurt you," Jared said. "Rejected you like that."

"Yeah, well, some people have really fixed ideas about what doms should and should not want. I knew that, but I sure as hell didn't like getting blind-sided like that."

"It really isn't that I don't think you're a dom, or that you're less of a dom," Jared said carefully. "Because you like that. It's just that...well, I've got some of those same fixed ideas myself, I guess. And here I thought I was such a modern sub," he added ruefully.

"You are," Jensen said. "You're being very clear there, that your objection isn't that you think my enjoying bottoming sometimes makes me less of a dom."

Jared snorted ungracefully. "You're a dom, through and through," he said, his brain helpfully providing him with a collage of memories that proved Jensen's dominance over him.

"Yeah, but you've associated anal penetration with submission since your earliest sexual awakening. More than half your life. And you didn't realize that because someone told you that's how it's 'supposed' to be," Jared smiled at Jensen's airquotes, "but because you discovered that about yourself on your own."

"Pretty much," Jared agreed. "And I've really tried to come up with a scenario, any fantasy in which I can make that something I can do to you and nothing works."

"Hey, you tried even though it goes against your nature. More than most people would do," Jensen said lightly, hugging Jared close. "And you couldn't get there, and I understand, and it's okay."

"Really?" Jared said.

"Really," Jensen affirmed. "I liked getting that, before, but if you don't want to do that...well, you've got a limit. And that's the end of that."

Jared wasn't so sure it was that easy.

But he was reassured when Jensen pulled him closer still. "I used to like ordering subs to give it to me up the ass," he said. "But now I love Jared Padalecki, and next to that, the other thing just doesn't matter anymore."

Jared gasped. Despite having sealed, neither of them had used that word before.

"I love you, too, Jensen," Jared said.

Jensen was quiet for a moment, like he was savoring the moment. "And that doesn't mean you're obligated to give me every single thing I may want, or may have wanted in the past. Right?"

"Right," Jared said. Jensen loved him and for him, love meant not expecting Jared to do things that were contradictory to his nature. Which was a huge weight off his mind.

But, really, the biggest thing of all was that Jensen loved him and wasn't afraid to say so. And Jared wasn't afraid to say it back.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in response to something of an anti-prompt. Someone left a really detailed comment on the last story in "Dom down the Hall" about how they were quite disappointed that, in their view, the series ended up turning into a sort of Jensen-is-presented-as-a-top-but-is-secretly-a-bottom-just-like-he-and-Dean-always-are-in-fiction story. While that was not my intention, and I personally don't think it reads like that, it did get me to think further about something I already had in the back of my mind.
> 
> See, I'd actually already had some vague plans in place for quite awhile (specifically when Jensen first said he wanted to blow Jared in "In-House Laundry Service") for Jensen's sometimes liking to be a dom who tops from the bottom to be a point of conflict in their relationship; reading that comment just accelerated and concentrated the idea. Because I moved it up, it ended up being a discussion rather than action story; a tell-don't-show story rather than the show-don't-tell idea I'd had that vague plan about (the latter would've required more build-up and I had kind of a Muse Moment when I read that comment and decided I'd roll with it).
> 
> Sometimes using vinegar does catch flies, but I think I'd prefer that this be an exception rather than a precedent.


End file.
